Pirates in Wonderland
by summerrayah
Summary: After escaping the island in Davy Jones Locker, Jack and co. find themselves on a strange land called...Wonderland.
1. On New Tides

**Pirates In Wonderland**

**based on Tim Burtons version...with some things from other Alice in Wonderland versions**

**also I own nothing and eunich is pronounced U-Nick as in a man with his package chopped off...just in case you didn't know...**

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It was hot. Too hot. The sun was beaming down death rays of heat and the supply of drinkable water was dwindling. Captain Jack Sparrow was rotating the maps pieces that would eventually lead the crew out of Davy Jones' Locker. Jack sighed then growled in frustration as he heard two voices rise in argument. They had not stopped screaming bloody murder at each other since his friend/eunich Will has found out that Elizabeth had been the cause of Jack's death and since Elizabeth found out that Will thought she was in love with Jack and obviously didn't trust her to stay with him. 'Even I didn't go on about her killing me for that long,' he groaned inwardly.

"We know mate, I can't believe Will doesn't trust Elizabeth," Said one of the mini Jacks on his shoulder.

"What do you mean, of course he doesn't trust her he SAW her making out with our dear Jack here," The other said while gesturing to the real Jack who was at that moment not liking where the direction of this argument was heading.

"Yes but she loves him and only kissed said charming Captain Jack Sparrow here to save Will's scrawny, ungrateful, eunich butt," The other said in a louder tone. Jack smiled to himself, '...Captain Jack Sparrow...'

"But if she had trusted him enough to tell him before hand, They would be better off." The first said. Jack was still smiling to himself but now his thought was'...Eunich...'

"Oh so you're blaming Will for this,"

"Of course it IS his fault for not being understanding."

"No it's Elizabeth's fault for being a cheater."

"HOW DARE YOU." Jack tuned out as his two mini-me's started fighting. He then looked at Will and Elizabeth who were now pretty much screaming the same things.

"I DID IT FOR YOU, YOU STUPID BLACKSMITH. IF I HADN'T OF DONE THAT WE WOULD ALL BE IN DAVY JONES' LOCKER, " Elizabeth screamed at Will.

"THEN LETS RESOLVE THIS AT HOME OH WAIT WE CAN'T BECAUSE WE ARE IN DAVY JONES' LOCKER, YOU PRISSY ARISTOCRAT." Will screamed back, his face turning an unpleasant shade of purple.

"WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT A EUNICH."

"YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD NEVER BRING THAT UP." Will yelled as Jack smiled to himself, 'score one for Jack' This went on for several more minutes as Jack finally lost it between the arguments of Will and Elizabeth, and his two mini-me's.

"ENOUGH ALL FOUR OF YOU," Jack yelled as Ragetti leaned over to Pintel and said, "Four?" Pintel only shrugged, some questions were better left unanswered. "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF ALL OF YOU ARGUING. YOU'RE ALL GOING TO THE BRIG."

"Even us?" The mini-me's asked, "Especially you, Will and Elizabeth I can kill, you two don't die." Jack said. The rest of the crew looked on disturbed as Jack started yelling at two spots on his shoulders. Jack walked over to Will and Elizabeth and then appeared to pick up two objects that no one could see and put them on Will and Elizabeth shoulders. Then he shoved them down to the brig and ran to his cabin.

"Finally, peace and quiet." Jack said contentedly as he laid on his hammock.

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It was night when Jack woke up. He got a strange feeling and walked around the ship. He then started trying to figure out a way to one-up Barbossa. He wandered around where his crew were sleeping, He searched through their things and found two telescopes that would work if he held them together. He went up on deck and tried it out then dropped them in surprise as he saw an island. He then walked over to the helm and took the wheel from Cotton.

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**And that's the end of Chapter 1 ladies and gentleman, plz review. It gives me warm and happy feelings. **

**Captain Jack Sparrow: Hahahaha EUNICH...**

***backs away slowly* I didn't do this to him, He was like this when I found him.**

**Captain Jack Sparrow: eeuuunniiccchhhhyyyy...snip snip...**


	2. He Who Chats With Flowers

**Pirates in Wonderland Chapter 2**

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Elizabeth woke up in the brig. The first thing she noticed was that the ship wasn't moving. Gibbs came to the brig and said,

"Captain says you can come out now if you are done screaming. And he also said 'Tell the mini-me's that I have need of their advice', whatever that means," Gibbs rolled his eyes. He would never understand his captain. Elizabeth and Will walked above deck wondering what Jack meant by "mini-me's." Two small figures that were left in the dark sitting on the bench spoke excitedly to each other.

"Yay, he needs us, It feels good to be needed." The Mini-me number 1 said.

"I know doesn't it? Now lets go see what he needs us for. I hope its not like last time. I don't think I'll survive another visit with a rat. It nearly ate me."

"Stop being a wuss, you're still here aren't ya. Now how do we get to him, last time we got a ride. Then we were stuck in the brig for a whole night."

"Why don't we just poof there, like we usually do."

"Don't be stupid, we can't poof or we wouldn't have had to spend the night in this hol-, oh whoops" Jack 1 said sheepishly as he poofed to Jack's shoulder.

"I knew we could poof," said Jack 2 as he followed Jack .

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"There you two are, I've been waiting. I need your advice. Where do you think we are?" Jack said to his shoulders. He was onshore and facing a jungle.

"I think we should go in and find the rum, savvy?" Jack 1 said.

"I like Rum, rum is good." Jack said.

"But what if we get killed in there, then there is no rum ever." Jack 2 said.

"Not good," Jack said while grimacing. "Listen up, myself, Gibbs, Barbossa, Ragetti, Pintel, Marty, Cotton, Cotton's parrot, and Jack the monkey are coming with me to explore the jungle for ru- I mean clues as to where we are, savvy?" Jack said loudly. Then to Jacks 1 and 2 he whispered, "that should be enough to keep me safe."

"What about me," Elizabeth asked.

"Sorry love, but you and dear William are staying here. I'm not putting up with you two. You and Mr. Eunich are staying here to watch the ship. Don't argue or I'll throw you to the sharks." Jack said. Elizabeth huffed and turned around. "Now we go into the jungle." Jack said as he marched forward into the jungle, safely behind Pintel and Ragetti.

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"This is getting curiouser and curiouser," Jack 1 said.

"Where did that come from?" Jack asked.

"I really don't know," Jack 1 said.

"When do you ever know," Jack 2 said. Jack rolled his eyes, he could feel the argument coming on. The world around them looked like a fantasy world. They were surrounded by vivid colors. A while back they had found a path and were following it. Suddenly, a voice rang out.

"Look, more weeds, except these aren't weeds, remember, these weeds are like Alice."

"But these aren't Alice." Jack turned and saw five flowers talking and moving. Ragetti screamed and jumped into Pintel's arms. Everyone else turned and stared in shock. Only Jack kept his head.

"Excuse me but we are not weeds, and since I am obviously imagining you then we have no business together...Unless you have rum. Which in that case I am Captain Jack Sparrow, you have probably heard of me but don't be intimidated, I am just like you" Jack said.

"Except for the flower part," Jack 2 whispered.

"That voice," "Doesn't he-," "He does.." "Interesting" The flowers said in whispers.

"Ok I am washing my hands of this weirdness. Good night." Jack said. He turned and was followed by his crew and Ragetti who was still in Pintel's arms. He jumped out sheepishly and looked at the ground. Jack the monkey and Cotton's parrot decided to start a new rumor. They whispered it to the flowers who giggled and passed it along.

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**Sorry these are short chapters. But when I post them I usually post 2 or 3 chapters at a time. Cuz I have no internet unless I go to somewhere with free wi-fi. **

**XD**


	3. Meet The Tweedles

**Pirates In Wonderland Chapter 3**

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Jack and his somewhat faithful crew followed the path they had found until they were stopped by two egg shaped people. They looked exactly alike. As they stood up they bonked each other and turned to face the increasingly confused pirates.

"Hello, my name is Tweedle Dee, and this is Tweedle Dum. Where did you come from, you're a strange looking lot." Tweedle Dee said. Jack smiled and said,

"My name is Captain Jack Sparrow, the most fearsome pirate in the Caribbean, but no worries, I am not here for trouble." The Tweedles completely ignored this as they squinted at Jack.

"Is that him,"

"No him looks different,"

"But if he was then his is,"

"But he isn't so he's not,"

"Oh yeah," The first Tweedle squinted harder at Jack.

"Besides he would say if he was who he isn't,"

"Unless he isn't who he was," Pintel and Ragetti were squinting at the Tweedles, Gibbs was wondering why this sounded familiar, Jack the monkey and Cotton's parrot were watching the Tweedle's heads thinking, 'shiinnnyyy', Cotton was watching his parrot suspiciously, and Marty was crying for joy on the inside because there was finally someone who was his size.

Jack grinned and said, "He can be him, if you want him to, but if you don't he still might be, him in which case you would be correct, or he may not be him, even if you want he to be him or if you don't want he to be him, in which case you would also be correct, except for the fact that I have no idea what you're talking about, so I find it impossible to confirm. Sorry mate." The Tweedles looked at each other confused, as was everyone else. Jack sighed. He had almost had someone who rivaled his ability to confuse people in terms of speech.

"Don't worry, you still have us to confuse. And besides, you are still the king of confusing sentences," Jack 2 pointed out.

"Thanks mate, I needed that morale booster." Jack said.

"Brown-noser," muttered Jack 1 as Jack 2 glared. Everyone else was once again watching Jack talk to his shoulders.

"Well regrettably, we must be on our way, toodle loo Tweedles Dee and Dum," Jack said. He walked on as the group followed.

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**That's the end of another chapter. next time I think they will meet the Cheshire cat...maybe...**

**If you have any ideas, comments, etc. then leave a review. Remember I loves ya.**

**Jack: She does...She really does.**


	4. The Cat And The Hat

**Pirates in Wonderland Chapter 4**

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Jack was becoming weary quickly. He was losing hope that he would find rum. He surveyed the current surroundings. They were still on a path which they didn't know where it led and there was no rum. He looked around at his crew. Gibbs was looking how he felt. He needed his rum too. Barbossa still looked scraggly, Pintel and Ragetti were jumping in each others arms every time one of them got scared. Marty and Cotton were watching Jack the monkey and Cotton's parrot disappearing and reappearing into the forest. Jack sighed, at least he still had his hat. Suddenly, his hat lifted off his head and floated in the air above him.

"MY HAT, GIBBS GET IT. SOMEONE SAVE MY PRECIOUS HAT!" Jack yelled. A silky, sly, and constantly purring voice said,

"Oh no no no, this won't do at all. This poor hat has been denied freedom of choosing who it wants to wear it. As the kind and generous feline I am I would do a good deed by taking this poor hat off of your hands," As this was being said, a cat materialized out of thin air, he had huge blue eyes and a wide creepy smile. The crew were in shock except for Jack who was to busy trying to get his precious hat back that he could care less that it was a disappearing, floating, smiling, and talking cat that had taken it.

"GIVE ME BACK MY HAT YOU THRICE ACCURSED FELINE, IT'S MINE," Jack shouted as he jumped up and down trying to reach his hat. Once he realized he couldn't reach, he started throwing anything he could find, rocks, coconuts, and once even Jack the undead monkey.

"But I should really like to keep it, I would wear it on all special occasions, you really can't deny me this gorgeous hat." Cheshire said.

"OH BUT YOU SEE I CAN SO GIVE IT BACK," Jack yelled again. The rest of the crew, having got over the shock of a disappearing, floating, smiling, and talking cat, had gone back into shock at seeing their captain loose control.

"You know, you remind me of someone I know. He also loves his hat as much as you do yours. So I guess I must return your hat to you," The cat said while twisting and turning in the air. His body disappeared while leaving behind a head that had the audacity to wear Captain Jack Sparrow's hat. His head winked then twirled and disappeared again and reappeared above Jack head. Gently putting the hat on Jack's head.

"Such a nice hat," Cheshire said wistfully. Jack held his hat on his head and glared at the Cheshire cat who was kneading the air by Jack's head. "And are you two Pintel and Ragetti?" Pintel and Ragetti looked at each other then back as Chess, and said,

"Yes but how do you know us?"

"Oh ho ho, so it is you then, lets just say I heard something from a flower," Chess said while laughing and turning. The monkey and parrot screeched with glee, the rumor had spread already. Pintel raised an eyebrow at Ragetti who responded with a shrug.

"Well I really must be going then...ta ta..." Cheshire said as he disappeared one final time. Jack felt his head to make sure he still had is hat, then satisfied that all was well, he continued along the path. After a moment or two of silence, the rest of the crew followed.

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**Hehehehehe this is the 4th chapter in one night. I'm on a roll. **

**Cheshire: Why do you torment me with such fine hats**

**Cuz its funny...to me at least.**

**Cheshire: Leave a review or I will appear and steal your hats. /\_/\**

**=( ' , ' )= **


	5. A Magnificent Tea Party

**Pirates in Wonderland Chapter 5**

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"And where have you two been," Jack asked his two mini-me's

"Sorry but that cat was seriously freakin me out. He was worse than that rat that tried to eat me." Jack 1 said sheepishly.

"What rat?"

"Last time you said you needed me you told me to search one of the cubbies at the bottom of the rum cabinet for rum and I got almost got eaten by a rat" Jack 1 told Jack.

"Sorry about that...kinda" Jack said.

"Tell that to my right index finger, OH WAIT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE ITS GONE." The first mini-me said.

"Well, I didn't bite it off." Jack retorted.

"I feel so left out..." Jack 2 said in a small voice. Gibbs was following Jack closely, trying to see what Jack was talking to. Gibbs finally gave up when he tripped over a vine for the thirteenth time. Pintel and Ragetti were huddled in close trying to figure out what the cat meant by 'I heard from the flowers'. '

"That can't be good" Pintel said as he noticed the monkey and parrot watching them intently.

"Ahoy mates look lively, there appears to be light ahead of us," Jack shouted. Suddenly, they heard strange noises, like muffled voices and breaking plates. Jack waited til Barbossa was ahead of him for safety measures, then followed him into the light. They broke into a clearing and saw a strange sight. There was a long table cluttered with cups, plates, and teapots. Two of the many chairs that were around the table were filled.

"You're late for TEA..," A strange voice rang out as an unidentified flying object flew towards Jack who ducked causing the cup to hit Barbossa, knocking him out.

"Well that was luck- I mean well-planned" Jack said as the thrower of the cup collapsed in giggles. Jack decided that anyone who could knock out Barbossa with a cup was good in his book. He looked at the culprit and did a double take as he saw a raggedy floppy grey rabbit.

"This is all a bad dream so I'm just going to roll with it," Jack whispered to his mini-me's.

"Probably a good idea" Jack 2 said. Jack shifted his attention to the figure who was sitting at the head of the table with his head bowed. Suddenly the figure looked up. His hair was a wild red that stuck straight out under his impressive purple hat. His eyebrows looked like they blended into his hair. He also had the most vivid green eyes Jack had ever seen. He looked strangely familiar. Suddenly, he looked straight at Jack and grinned hugely. Jack, between being really creeped out and keeping an eye on the creepy rabbit noticed the huge gap between the man's teeth. The man stood up and started walking quickly and unsteadily across the table, knocking over various items, with his two friends giggling and urging him on. He stopped before Jack and said, "I don't know you but you look familiar, I think I would know you," The man said then turning to his friend, "I think I would know her," His friends collapsed in laughter once again as the man smiled blankly and turned back to Jack.

"I am known as The Mad Hatter, but you can call me Hatter cause that's what everyone else says, except when they call me mad but you know what a good friend once told me?" The Hatter said in his lisp, he leaned in close to Jack and whispered, "All the best people are." Hatter leaned back and smiled delightedly. Jack suddenly realized why the Hatter looked so familiar.

"You look like me," Jack said shocked. The crew looked back and forth from Jack and Hatter. Barbossa conveniently chose this time to wake up and looking back and forth from Jack to Hatter, he screamed, "OH DEAR NEPTUNE, THERES TWO OF THEM, THE WORLD ID ENDING IM DYING HELP HEELLPPP, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE..." Barbossa jumped up and ran for all he was worth into the dark abyss that was known as Wonderland.

"Huh, so that's all I had to do to get rid of him...pity I didn't know this before." Jack said in a matter-of-fact tone before returning to shock as he looked at the man in front of him.

"Hahahaha and these are my friends, The one who is looking obsessively at a spoon is The March Hare, we call him March," Everyone turned to look at March who was holding a spoon high in the air and looking at it obsessively. "Spoon," he twitched. Everyone except Hatter, Jack, and the dormouse backed away slowly.

"And the little lady over there by the teapot is Mallymkun. We call her Mally. And you are?" Hatter continued.

"I am Captain Jack Sparrow, captain of the Black Pearl and terror of the seas, and the scraggly one who ran is Barbossa, Gibbs is the one with the funny beard, Marty is the midget, Cotton is the one over there with the parrot he doesn't talk due to er unfortunate circumstances, and Pintel and Ragetti are the creepy ones in each others arms. Then the monkey is called Jack the undead monkey." Jack said.

"THE Pintel and Ragetti?" Hatter asked shocked. Suddenly Cheshire popped out of nowhere and said,

"Yes, yes it is, and if I do say so myself, it IS as bad as you think..." Cheshire said while twirling and disappearing. The Hatter started laughing in the mad way he laughs. Pintel and Ragetti looked at each other warily and asked,

"What did you hear?" At this the Hatter laughed harder and fell to the ground in laughter, soon joined by March, Mally, Jack the monkey, and Cotton's Parrot. Jack 1 said,

"I think this has something to do with that bloody monkey."

"I agree completely," Hatter said as Jack, Jack 1, and Jack 2 stared in shock. The Hatter sat up and said,

"You know I don't even know any of you three and I still agree completely." Jack 1 and 2 looked at Hatter and joined him laughing on the ground.

"You know you two are just delightful and full of muchness. I like you," Hatter choked out between giggles.

"Aww I love being liked," Jack 2 said from the ground.

"Me too" Jack 1 said. Jack just stared and stared in complete shock.

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**Hope you liked the chapter. Plz review**


	6. The Recent History of Wonderland

**Pirates in Wonderland Chapter 6**

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Jack pinched himself. Hard. Then he decided that he was most definitely awake. He stared at Hatter and Jack 1&2 who were still laughing on the ground. Wheezing, Hatter sat up and grinned at Jack. Jack couldn't help but to grin back, though not quite as madly. 'Well, I could stay here a while, no Davy Jones, Becket, or terrible beastie.' Jack thought to himself.

"Has anyone seen Barbossa?" Jack asked loudly. He was still missing, not that Jack cared but he still needed a human shield to use as protection. The crew shook their heads.

"Not since he had a panic attack and ran away," Gibbs said efficiently. Jack nodded and looked at his surroundings. Hatter, Jack 1, and Jack 2 were sitting up on the ground, Gibbs was standing tall, Marty was sighing at the loss of the two people that were his height, Cotton was watching the parrot and monkey suspiciously, Pintel and Ragetti realized they were still holding each other and let go sheepishly, Mally was standing by a tea cup watching everyone, and March was holding a cup and carefully aiming. Jack ducked as it came towards him then realized that it was too high to hit him. He stood up then jumped when he heard an outraged female shriek from the forest behind him.

"I know that unhuman shriek anywhere." Jack 1 said fearfully. Jack 2 smiled and said, "It's about time." Suddenly Will walked out of the forest covered with glass fragments, with Elizabeth at his side. Elizabeth looked at Will, barely containing her laughter at Will's shriek. Will glared and she quieted. They jumped in shock as they realized they had found the crew. Hatter charged the newcomers and stopped inches from them.

"Hi, I'm Hatter, and these fine people are, March, Mally, Jack," Hatter started as Jack growled and grumbled, "Captain, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow."

"Anyway, Gibbs, Marty, Pintel, Ragetti, Monkey, and Parrot." Hatter finished quickly, before Jack could interrupt. Hatter smiled blankly at the Will and Elizabeth.

"Why are you here and not at the Pearl?" Jack asked dangerously.

"But Jack, It's soo boring and I can't be alone with Elizabeth for one more minute or I'll go mad, Mad I say." Will gushed in one breath. "Oh and I'm Will and this wretched creature beside me is Elizabeth." Will said to Jack and Hatter. Elizabeth screeched indignant. At this Jack stomped to the corner of the clearing, grumbling.

"Who's the Captain here, Me, that's right ME. I am the Captain but noo, nobody listens to me even though I could send them all to the brig." Jack grumbled. Jack 1 and Jack 2 looked at each other.

"I blame Will for this. It was probably his idea to follow us." Jack 1 said with his nose in the air.

"What do you mean 'Will's fault' It was obviously Elizabeth's fault, she left stupidly on her own and brave Will couldn't leave her on her own to be eaten by who knows what." Jack 2 said, jumping to the defense of his third favorite person. Jack's face turned an unpleasant shade of purple, then started yelling.

The rest of the crew and Hatter's group were watching Jack yell at his shoulders. Hatter was nodding along with everything the mini-Jacks were saying. Gibbs looked at Hatter who was still nodding along with each point that the mini-Jacks made and adding his own ten cents to the conversation with amazement. 'There really was someone who was more mad then Jack.' Gibbs thought to himself.

"I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT, I'LL FINISH IT," Jack yelled, his voice carrying to the group. Most of the crew turned and smiled, that was their Captain. Gibbs was still staring at Hatter who turned to him and said,

"Those two should really stop arguing with each other, Jack appears to be close to his breaking point." Gibbs backed away slowly. Jack stood up and walked over to Hatter.

"So, what's the deal with talkinflowers,eggpeople,smilycats,crazyrabbitswithgoodaim,lilmice,andhatman Land?" Jack asked Hatter, not knowing what else to call it.

"Well, about a year ago, the Red Queen was fighting for control of Wonderland. Down wid tha Bluddy Big 'ead" Hatter shouted and his eyes changed color and he stomped around in a circle, angrily kicking things until Mally shouted, "Hatter," Hatter turned around and let out a strained, "I'm fine." Hatter shook his head then continued with his story. Jack and Jacks 1&2 looked at each other, than back at Hatter.

"She had taken over much of Wonderland, and killed many people with her knight, Stayne. The White Queen was ruling what was left." Hatter said with sadness staring down at the ground, "Then, Alice came back," Hatter's face lifted and joy filled his features. "Except, she had lost her muchness, but I knew it was her, I'd know him anywhere. Then Stayne and some of his army came. I hid her in a teapot and then sent her off flying on my hat." Jack was in awe and respect of Hatter for risking his Hat to save his friend.

"I was unfortunately captured, and brought to the bloody Bighead's court. After I was imprisoned for a while the bighead wanted to see me. I was brought up from the dungeon and I saw Alice sitting in the throne next to Bloody Bighead, and she was huge. She smiled at me when the Bighead was distracted and I used my mad skills at persuasion to make her let me make her hats. Thus enabling me freedom to plan an escape. As Bloody Bighead was trying on some of the hats I made, I noticed that her court were dropping bits and pieces." Hatter laughed madly at the memory then snorted.

"I was so happy being able to make hats. Until Alice told me that I was making them for the Bluddy Bi' 'Ead. I got angry and she calmed me." Hatter's voice got gentle and he smiled.

"Then Stayne came in and Mally accidentally said Alice's name. You see, they didn't know she was the Alice. Then I fought Stayne as Alice ran. I was in the dungeon again, waiting for my execution. Then Chess was after my Hat. He had a proposition. Then, he, masked as me, walked up to the executioners block and disappeared. I then jumped up and led an uprising of the Red Queen's castle. I exposed all of her court for their falsities and we made our way to the White Queen's Castle. There we met Alice. March was also there. Then Alice told me that I was a part of her imagination. But Alice still didn't have her muchness back. She was needed to slay the Jabberwokky. Which would free the Red Queen's army. Many of us offered to be the Queen's champion but it was not to be. As we headed out to our doom, Alice came out in armor and the Vorpoal Sword. I smiled at her and we made our way to the battleground. It was Frabjous Day. The final battle started out with Alice fighting the Jabberwokky. It was going good until her sword was knocked out of her hands. I couldn't let her get hurt so, even though it was against the rules, I leaped up and stabbed the Jabberwocky's tail majestically, but I missed so I poked its tail quickly. The Red Queen shouted and the two armies charged. I was fighting Stayne. It was over for him until I saw the Jabberwocky's head fall. I dropped my weapon and as soon as I had everyone's eyes on me, I fudderwakkened like never before. The Red Queen was banished with Stayne at her side. He begged to be killed but we did not owe him a kindness. The White Queen got some Jabberwokky blood and told Alice it could send her home, if she wished it. I told her she could stay. But she had things to do in Otherland. She told me she would come back someday. And she promised she wouldn't forget." Hatter finished his story with a sad smile.

A soft sobbing was noticeable and everyone turned their heads behind them to give strange looks to Will. Will shook his head and pointed at Gibbs.

"Its just so sad." Gibbs cried. The rest of the crew backed away slowly from the emotional pirate.

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**Sorry it took so long to update. I still don't have an idea for a plot so if you have idea I'd love to hear it. ^^**

**Jack 2: Why does everyone assume Will is the one who's crying?**

**Jack 1: Because...he is a sissy.**

**Jack 2: Is not**

**Jack 1: Is too**

**Jack 2: Isnot**

**Jack 1: Istoo**

**Jack 2: 'Snot**

**Jack 1: 'Stew**

**Jack: WHY! WHY! *breaks down in tears.* **

**Jacks 1 & 2: This is your fault.**

**Jacks 1 & 2: No. YOUR FAULT**


	7. Tales of Piratical Preportions

**Pirates In Wonderland Chapter 7**

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"Well mate, prepare yourself for the most amazing story you have ever heard. The whole story is too long so we'll start from where I made port in Port Royal." Jack started out with a flourishing sweep of his hands.

"You can't call riding a mast to the dock making port." Will scoffed. Jack stomped his foot.

"I'm telling the story so if you don't mind." Jack said while glaring. "So, there I was, with a sinking ship, I had to act fast so I started bailing out the water. Then I gave up and stood atop the mast and sailed gracefully into the harbor, I bribed the dock master and went on my merry way to check the ships."

"And while this was going on, I was getting the cold shoulder from Will," Elizabeth broke in. Jack 1 glared at Will, and Jack 2 glared at Elizabeth. Jack rolled his eyes.

"You were not, your father was there so I was being polite." Will argued. Jack 2 nodded firmly then screamed as Jack 1 tackled him. Jack grabbed both of them and put them in their time out corners, a.k.a. Jack's boots.

"Help, we are dying in here, don't you ever wash your feet?" Jacks 1&2 yelled. Jack smirked and ignored their pleas for mercy. Everyone else stopped talking to stare at Jack. Jack winked and everyone turned to their normal positions.

"So then I was, aboard a nice ship and then the security came, I dazzled them with my wits and was telling them about the time, they made me their king, then this git," Jack pointed to Elizabeth who hmpfed and turned.

"Decides to fall off a cliff into the water, I asked the guards but they were morons who couldn't swim, so I heroically dove in the water after her, she dragged me down til I got rid of that parachute, women call a dress, then I swam back up and saved her life, unfortunately, the governor's soldiers came and saw me with her corset and tried to shoot me until Elizabeth told them that I rescued her. Then Norrington recognized me and I was sentenced to hang. But I once again used my magnificent wits to get out of that situation." Jack continued.

"Your wit? You used me as a hostage," Elizabeth scoffed. Jack 2 laughed from his boot and was growled by Jack 1 from his boot. Jack jumped in the air, ignoring the screams that came from within. Hatter looked at the boots worriedly, until Jack told him that they don't die.

"I magnetically jumped, swung, and ran to the city, where I lost them for a little while. I hid in this eunich's blacksmith shop, then valiantly fought him and won single-handedly. I was about to get away when this ten feet tall giant knocked me out from behind." Jack said while silently hoping that no one would argue.

"He wasn't ten feet tall, he was an overweight, balding, five foot tall man." Will scoffed. Jack not so subtly kicked him in the shin, making Jack 1 snicker, and Jack 2 to shout, "I have failed you Will."

"Then I was stuck in prison, then still stuck as me old crew came and went until finally Will needed my help to save Elizabeth. Then I used my wits once again to commandeer the Interceptor. Me n Will made it to Tortuga where I gathered a faithful and mad crew." Jack said as Hatter smiled.

"We set out to the Isle de Muerta, where we found Elizabeth, but then I was knocked out by a ten foot tall man with a huge steel hammer, and Will took Elizabeth and left without me." Jack said.

"What are you talking about, I knocked you out." Will said disdainfully. Then, realizing what he said, Will walked out of Jack's kicking range.

"I was discovered and managed to use my wits to wiggle out of being shot. I negotiated with my mutinous ex first mate Barbossa, the scrawny one who is currently, er, missing-in-action." Jack said with a look around, still no sign of Barbossa.

"Then I was stuck in the brig of my Pearl which was in possession of Barbossa, then we caught up with the rest of my crew, Will, and Elizabeth, then they ruin everything, I was negotiating. Getting themselves all caught, then Will tells them that he is the one they need to lift a skeleton curse on they, so they maroon me and Elizabeth on a deserted island." Will looks at Jack apologetically.

"There she comes on to me and me, being the decent person I am, put a stop to it, for I knew that dear William and her were in love-" Jack continued until Elizabeth screeched with outrage. Jack coolly ignored her.

"In the morning, she burned all the rum. Just burned it, just like that. It was all gone." Jack shuddered with the horrific memory as Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

"Then Norrington comes and Elizabeth asks him to save Will as a wedding gift. I go in and negotiate, fight a battle, shoot Barbossa, then am left with Norrington because my crew left me. At my execution, Will comes to save me and together we fight our way to the cliff. There, Elizabeth joins us and I say, 'This is the day that you will always remember as the day you almost hung, Captain Jack Sparrow' then I gracefully dove off the cliff and swam to the Pearl, who was waiting nearby, oh and Elizabeth chose Will over Norrington." Jack added as a side comment.

"Then I had a little bit of peace till Davy Jones sent his Kraken after me when Bootstrap Bill came back. So I had to head to land, which unfortunately was a cannibal island that I had escaped in the past. They thought I was a god, so they were going to roast me. To release my supposed Godness. anyway Will shows up and tells me Elizabeth is in danger and that he needed my compass. So I told the cannibals to put him with the others. I distracted them for as long as I could until my crew escaped giving me time to escape. Then I was bombarded by fruit, fell down a cliff and eventually was chased by hundreds of cannibals. I made my way on the ship, then said, 'This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost ate Captain Jack Sparrow'. Then I did a astonishing flip back onto the ship." Jack said, taking a breath.

"We then sailed to Tia Dalma's, and I got a jar of dirt." Jack stopped suddenly, realizing something,

"Speaking of whom, has anyone seen her? She was on the ship with us." Jack said confused. Hatter looked thoughtful.

"Dark skin, Long dark hair, dots on her face, kinda scary?" Hatter asked. Jack nodded.

"Have you seen her?" Jack asked.

"No, but March threw a cup at her earlier." Hatter said as March giggled madly in his seat then said, "Spooon."

"Back to the story, I got Will aboard the Dutchman where he found his father and got the key to the chest that holds Davy Jones heart, which I needed to settle my debt to him, I bargained to settle my debt with 100 souls so I went to Tortuga to recruit, where we ran into Norrington, who had fell waayyy down in life, he joined our crew and we picked up Elizabeth along the way. We made it to the Island where Davy Jones hid his heart. Will joined us intending to kill Jones and Me, Will, and Norrington ended up in a fight for the key, which I won. I got the heart and hid it in my jar of dirt, then when we were back up to our dingy by Jones' undead crew, Norrington took the empty chest and drew them away. I never saw Norrington again. Then, back on my ship, I was trash talking Jones until I found that I didn't have the heart. He got bored of hitting my ship and sent the Kraken after us. I had taken the dingy and was sailing to an island until my noble side arose. I went back and helped injure the kraken. But that only made it angry, so with a heavy heart, I gave the order to abandon my beloved Pearl. Everyone was in the dingy until Elizabeth kissed me and handcuffed me to the rail, with the intent of giving the rest of them time to escape. She told them that I wanted to go down with my ship, and they sailed off." Jack said, slightly sad from the memory. Hatter put his hand on his shoulder and smiled sadly at him.

"I waited til they were away from the ship then used my wits to escape from the cuffs. But it was too late. The Kraken was behind me. As it roared, I found my hat and pulled out my sword, and it ate me then spit me up on an island not far from here. There, my crew of many me's were bugging me so and planned a magnificent garden party without me. Then I licked a rock, which turned into a crab, which then called his buddies and carried my ship to shore. I found my crew who had come to save me, with some unpleasant surprises, like Barbossa, and Elizabeth. Along the way, Will and Elizabeth constantly yelled at each other. Eventually I allowed them on my ship and we found our way here. Along the way, my two mini-me's joined me. You may come out now." Jack finished as he pulled the Mini-Jack out of his boots, they were both green from the smell. Hatter grinned at them and said,

"Hey, you're free." Hatter said to the mini-Jacks, who were starting to come around. The crew stared at Jack and Hatter who were talking to something none of them could see.

"I WILL FIND THE TRUTH." Gibbs shrieked. Everyone backed away slowly from Gibbs.


	8. Decisions And Recurring Themes

**Pirates in Wonderland Chapter 8**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Jack and his crew were still at the Hatter's, deciding on a course of action. If they left Wonderland, they would be at the mercy of Davy Jones locker, until they found a way to get out. If they ever found a way to get out. Also, some of the other crew were worried about the missing crew members. Jack had no such worries. But he was enjoying his stay here.

"I know right, it's pretty nice." Jack 1 said. Suddenly appearing on Jack's shoulder as he sat in one of the seats at the table.

"But what about the rum?" Jack 2 asked. Jack inwardly gasped. The rum. Jack 1 nodded then paced the table.

"Come come now, lets all enjoy some nice tea and scones" Hatter said in his lisp. Jack nodded, he hadn't eaten since morning. Everyone sat down at a spot.

"Hay you, with the eye, pass the scones." March shouted. Ragetti jumped, then cautiously handed March the plate. March grabbed one then put it on his plate.

"Thanks very much, blahhh." March said causing Ragetti to jump again in fear. Jack rolled his eyes.

"Soo, come here often?" Elizabeth asked. Hatter thought about it then when he was about to answer, Will said,

"Of course they do you bimbo, they live here." Elizabeth glared daggers at Will.

"I was trying to make conversation, you good for nothing piece of-"

"Ah ah ah please, no language, think of the children." Hatter said, while grabbing Marty and holding him close. Marty's eyes bugged out of his head and he mouthed the word, help. Jack, March, and Mally snickered as the rest of the crew wondered what they should do.

"Fine." Elizabeth said while glaring at Will. Jack 1 also glared at Will, while Jack 2 glared at Jack 1.

"Hey!" Jack said quietly and pointed a finger at the mini-Jacks, who shut-up immediately. Gibbs screamed in frustration. Causing everyone to stare.

"Why do you two argue so much?" Mally asked. Jack franticly shook his head. He did NOT want them to get started. But it was too late.

"It's all Elizabeth's fault." Will said while Elizabeth and Jack 1 screeched in outrage. Jack 2 stuck his nose up in the air at them, while giving Will a puppy-doggish look. Jack saw this and looked horrified.

"No figment of my imagination, real or not is going to make goo-goo eyes at Will, that is just wrong on so many levels." Jack shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Oh-h-h-g." Hatter said while looking awkwardly away, and covering the unfortunate Marty's eyes, who was still in Hatter's arms. March giggled. Gibbs looked like he was about to pull his hair in frustration at not being able to see what his captain saw. Pintel and Ragetti looked at each other than away. Cotton exchanged looks with his parrot who said,

"Salty as the Kraken's kiss." Jack frowned and said,

"We're going to need to wash his beak after that one." The crew nodded along.

"Can I give Elizabeth goo-goo looks." Jack 1 asked. Jack thought about it.

"Go ahead." Jack said.

"That's not fair, he can give that wretched Elizabeth goo-goo looks even thought she killed us, but I can't give my precious Will looks." Jack 2 said heatedly.

"NEVER CALL HIM THAT AGAIN. THAT IS ONCE AGAIN, WRONG ON SOO MANY LEVELS." Jack yelled before turning around and whispering to himself, "Why, why oh why, did a figment of my imagination attach itself to the eunich. It could have been anyone else, why the eunich."

"I did it for the lolz." Jack 2 said. Jack 1 looked around,

"Who are you talking to?" Jack 1 asked. Jack 2 shrugged.

"Great, even my delusions have delusions." Jack said. Will and Elizabeth were still arguing, not even noticing that no one was paying attention. Suddenly, a yell came from a while off.

"Hmm, must be Barbossa, Gibbs, go get him." Jack said.

"But he's Barbossa. No one likes him." Jack 2 said. Jack 1 nodded vigorously.

"I know, but I still need a human shield." Jack said. Jack's 1 and 2 nodded. Gibbs sighed and vanished into the bushes. All was silent except for Marty's struggles to get out of Hatter's arms. Hatter didn't let go. Another yell rang out, this time they could tell it was Gibbs. Jack sighed and went in after him. He walked alone for a minute until he tripped on something. Jack got up and saw Gibbs lying unconscious.

"Did Barbossa do this?" Jack 1 asked. Jack knelt by Gibbs, thinking before saying.

"I'll have to carry him." Jack said. He grabbed Gibbs then managed to get him on his shoulder. Struggling, Jack took one step, then fell backward slowly.

"I don't think this is going to work." Jack 1 said.

"You think?" Jack said from the ground. Eventually, he grabbed Gibbs' arms and started pulling. Jacks 1 and 2 started pushing Gibbs' legs and somehow, they got him to the Hatter's tea party. Back at the tea party, Marty had almost snuck out of Hatter's arms while he was napping, but Jack 1 saw this and jumped on a twig, waking Hatter up. Marty looked on with horror as he was dragged back by Hatter.

"I found Gibbs like this, with no one in sight." Jack announced. The crew looked at him. Hatter thought for a second and released Marty, who cried out in triumph and ran behind Cotton. Then Hatter grabbed a pot of tea and dumped it on Gibbs.

"Ahhhhh, it's hot." Gibbs yelled. Hatter looked at the tea, then back at Gibbs.

"Whoops." Hatter said.

"Mr. Gibbs. Who knocked you out?" Jack asked. Gibbs shrugged.

"It was a really tall man who had an eye patch. He was with a short woman with a huge head." Gibbs said. Hatter's eyes widened and he shouted.

"Down wyth the Bloody Big Head." Jack looked at him, then realized that the former queen of Wonderland was back.


	9. June, April, or May

**Pirates in Wonderland Chapter 9**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Alice Liddell walked quickly through the path she barely recognized. After a spat with her fiancé about her mother's will, she fled in anger. Everything seemed vague in her memory of the days she spent in Wonderland. That is, if it wasn't all a dream. In her memories, one man stood out clear. A man with red hair, green eyes, and a magnificent hat.

Her looks had lasted so far in the five years she had been away, she was taller, her body more robust, her complexion tanner, her features gentler, and her hair had slightly changed to a darker blond. After she refused Hamish and started her business, things had been good for a while. She was successful, respected, and she had found love, he was nice and made her laugh, she thought they were in love, until his true qualities came out. He was a charmer, but he was greedy and had plans to take over her business as her husband. In which the laws of London decreed that any property belonged to the male in the marriage.

After her mother died, things escalated. In her mother's will, it was stated that her mother had family heirlooms that were very valuable that were hidden, and that they were to go to Alice, Hefley wanted to sell them, but Alice would not allow that, they were her mother's heirlooms. So Alice stormed out and ran to where she was now. Looking for the tunnel to Wonderland, with the heirlooms hidden in her cloak.

She was so wrapped in her anger that she didn't see the root until she had tripped on in. On the ground, Alice turned her head around and saw a gnarled tree root sticking out of the ground. Her breathing quickened, she knew she was close. Alice turned and felt around desperately, looking for the rabbit hole that led to Wonderland.

There. But it was just an indent, filled with years of dead leaves and branches. Her eyes blurred as she angrily pounded the hole that once led to Wonderland. Suddenly, it sunk, burdened by her desperate strength, Alice's eyes widened in shock as the branches and leave sank with her arms caught, and she tumble down arms first into the black abyss. She spun down and down past the roots and the piano until finally she fell through a suspiciously Alice shaped hole though the floor. She landed with a crash on the floor where she immediately went for the key on the table. Grabbing the key tightly in one hand she drank the drink me potion. When she was the right size, she struggled out of her dress and dragged it behind her. Looking back, she grabbed the eat me cake and ran through the door, clutching her clothes to her. As Alice emerged into the sunlight, she smiled and took in the familiar surroundings. Lifting the eat me cake up, she took a tiny bite and grew back to normal size. Grinning, she readjusted her clothes, and set off into the path.

"Oh where, oh where has my dear Hatter gone, oh where, oh where could he be, with his gap-toothed grin and the hat on his head, oh where, oh where could he be." Alice sang distractedly as she struggled to remember the way.

"June?" A voice called out. Alice spun around to see a man standing behind her, long dreadlocks, slightly wobbling in place, a hat, and smelling so bad Alice smelt him from there. Alice looked closely at the man's face.

"Hatter?" Alice asked cautiously. It looked exactly like him, but it didn't _feel_ like him.

"Hey, look June's here." The man said as he started walking towards Alice with his arms wide open. Once he got close enough, Alice drew back her hand and slapped him. Hard.

"Ohhhh, that's not June, June doesn't hit that hard. What do you think, April, or her other sister May?" The man said looking at his shoulders. Jack 1, unbeknown to Alice spoke up.

"June doesn't hit that hard, but May does." Jack 1 said.

"Psst May? She wouldn't hurt a fly. April however, she's a beast. She took pleasure in other people's pain." Jack 2 argued.

"But April had no strength at all, she got other people to slap me." Jack said.

"So, if it's not May." Jack 1 said.

"And it's not April." Jack 2 said.

"And it's not June, then who is it?" Jack finished before turning his short attention span back to Alice. Alice had both eyebrows as high as they could go. All she saw was a man talking to himself.

"Excuse me Miss, you'll have to excuse my mini-me's rudeness," Jack started, skillfully tuning out said mini-me's outraged exclamations that Jack was the rude one.

"But, are you pregnant?" Jack asked. Alice numbly shook her head.

"Any of your sisters, aunts, and female members of you family or friends?" Alice shook her head again.

"Have you loaned anyone money, or do you own a business that may have been robbed by pirates?" Jack continued. Alice shook her head, then paused.

"You know what, there was pirate who has stolen some of my ships, His name was Zack Swallow, or something like that." Jack winced.

"Wouldn't be Captain Jack Sparrow would it?" Jack asked casually, the mini-me's exchanged looks.

"Yes that's it, If I ever get a hold of that menace I'll break him in half." Alice said angrily. Jack winced again.

"I was afraid of that." Jack said while biting his nails.

"OOOO burn. Jack 2 piped up and he fist bumped Jack 1.

"Well, anyway, my name is Johnny Depp, nice to meet you." Jack announced loudly to Alice. Jack 1 sniggered.

"If he's Johnny Depp, I'm Oprah Winfrey." Jack 1 said. Jack 2 laughed loudly.

"And if he's Oprah Winfrey, I'm…Paris Hilton." Jack 2 laughed as he strutted around Jack's shoulders. Jack 1 and 2 burst into giggles as Jack held back a snicker.

"Stop that…it tickles." Jack said before Jack 1 and 2 burst into manic giggles again.

"I'm Alice." Alice interrupted, watching Jack talk to himself was starting to disturb her.

"_The _Alice." Jack gasped.

"You know about me?" She asked, surprised.

"No I just heard someone say that." Jack said carelessly.

"Oh."

"Soo."

"Do you know where the Hatter is?" Alice finally asked.

"Hatter? Oh me and him go wayyy back. We're like this." Jack showed Alice his crossed fingers.

"That makes you look gay." Jack 2 said.

"Look whose talking." Jack 1 said spitefully.

"That's cold." Jack said.

"Umm, Mr. Depp?" Alice spoke up. At this the mini Jacks burst into laughter again.

"Hey Johnny Depp, can I have your autograph." Jack 2 sniggered as Jack 1 snorted.

"No you may not." Jack replied pridefully. This, needless to say, stopped both mini Jacks in their tracks.

"Well." Jack 1 said insulted.

"MR. DEPP." Alice shouted.

"Yes Ms. Grumpypants." Jack said.

"Where. Is. Hatter." Alice said with a deadly glare.

"Go straight past 17 trees then turn right past 9, Go straight again and you're at the tea table." Jack answered immediately.

"Thank you." Alice said as she ran off counting out loud.

"Way to be a man Jack." Jack 1 mocked.

"Shut it. She didn't look at you like that." Jack said.

"She doesn't even know we exist." Jack 2 said sadly.

"I don't even know you exist. Now lets go find The Hat Man." Jack said as he took off.

"How do I know we exist, this could all be my imagination." Jack 1 said sadly.

"Or my imagination." Jack 2 said sadly.

"Shut it. You're both part of my imagination." Jack said grumpily.

"Oh well, as long as you're sure." Jack 1 said cheerfully. Jack 2 smiled.


	10. Delivering the News

**Pirates in Wonderland**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"What do I do? Warn Hatter or stay away from June." Jack wondered aloud.

"I thought we decided that this was Alice." Jack 2 said.

"May?" Jack asked.

"No, Alice." Jack 1 said slowly.

"April?" Jack asked. The mini-mes sighed.

"Sure. April." Jack 2 said soothingly. Jack 1 patted Jack's head.

"Alice?" Jack finally decided.

"Let's just go. The others are probably worried to death." Jack 1 said. Jack sniffed.

"Of course. Why wouldn't they be." Jack said, as he set out to continue to the tea party.

"Wait, I just realized something mate." Jack said. Jacks 1 and 2 look curiously at him. "I gave Alice the wrong directions. Whoopsie."

"Aww, you devilish genius you, now you have time to warn Hatter." Jack 2 said. Jack smirked.

"Let's go warn Hat-man." Jack said as he marched through the brush back to the tea party. "I know how hard it is not to be warned when ex's come around. Savvy?"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Its okay everyone, I'm back." Jack announced. No one looked up from their various conversations.

"Oh Jack we were so worried." Jack 1 mocked.

"Thank goodness you're safe." Jack 2 said.

"We love you Captain Jack Sparrow." Jack said under his breath

"No, no, it's okay, I'm fine don't get up, really. No applause either." Jack said mockingly.

"Oi! Hatter. Mate, you got a problem, savvy?" Jack said. At this people looked up. Jack narrowed his eyes.

"Oh, now you care." Jack said.

"We care." Jack 1 and 2 said. Jack nodded vaguely.

"What's the problem?" Hatter lisped.

"You got Alice. She's looking for you mate." Jack said. Hatter's eyes widened.

"Malice, where did he go?" Hatter cried, then without waiting for an answer, he took off into the forest.

"Well, he'll never find her that way." Ragetti said knowledgeably. Pintel nodded in agreement. Everyone looked confused.

"How do you know?" Gibbs asked.

"That's what me n Pintel used to do when we got separated. But no one finds anyone that way." Ragetti said. Suddenly, it made sense.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Alice!" Hatter called into the woods while running. Where was she. Hatter tripped and did a graceful barrel role.

"Fiddlesticks." Hatter cursed. Then he suddenly heard a cry.

"Hatter?" Hatter got up and ran to where he heard the voice. There was nothing there but a tree.

"Alice!" Hatter yelled as he hugged the tree. Behind him, Alice appeared and saw him hugging the tree. She smiled and hugged the other side of the tree. Hatter opened his eyes and saw Alice.

"Alice!" Hatter finally said.

"Hello Hatter. It's been a while hasn't it." Alice said.

"You look different." Hatter said. "But you still have your muchness!" Hatter broke out into a grin. "Let's go back to my tea party, I have lots of new friends I want you to meet." Alice nodded and smiled and followed Hatter back to the tea table.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Huh, he _wants_ to see his ex? He's crazy." Jack said.

"You don't think she'll be mad that you gave her bad directions do you?" Jack 2 asked. Jack froze.

"Or if she finds out you're not Johnny Depp, and you're really Jack Sparrow who pirated her ships." Jack 1 put in. Jack's eye twitched, and he attempted to sidle away.

"HEY, you gave me bad directions Johnny Depp." Alice yelled, having just got back to the tea table with Hatter. Jack inwardly cursed.

"Who in blimey is Johnny Depp, this is my Captain." Gibbs started, not seeing Jack furtive waves to stop. "Captain Jack Sparrow." Alice froze.

"You gave me bad directions, and a fake name? What a horrible person, I can't believe Hatter is friends with you." Alice said. Jack froze in hope. She didn't recognize his name.

"I assure you my good lady, I am nicer than I can seem. Savvy?" Jack said gallantly. The mini-mes turned their noses up at Alice for her rudeness. Alice rolled her eyes, not believing him for a second.

"Alice, we have a problem, the Red Queen and Stayne have been sighted, they attacked Gibbs here and probably kidnapped Jack's other friend." Hatter told Alice quickly. Jack twitched.

"I wouldn't say friend, maybe human shield or ship's pet. Something like that. Even Ship's charity case would work, Savvy?" Jack spoke up. The crew rolled their eyes. Hatter nodded and smiled big.

"Does the White Queen know?" Alice asked. Hatter nodded his head before thinking about, then shaking his head no.

"Well, it looks like you're going to have a small tour of Wonderland after all." Hatter said cheerfully. "We're going to the white castle where we will want the queen and try to figure out the Bloody Big-Head's plan is."

"Sounds fun, Barbossa has been lost, a moment of silence if you please people." Jack said, closing his eyes dramatically for barely a second before cheerfully swinging his hat on his head.

"Let's go. Lead the way Hat-Man" Jack said happily. Hatter nodded and set off into the woods.

"Hatter, it's the other way." Alice spoke up. Hatter did a 180 and marched madly onward.

"You'll just love the white castle, its so pretty and shiny and the decoration is just superb." Hatter said in one breath, but he lost Jack at decorations. After all, Jack was a pirate.

"Decorations he says, I'm betting there are many pocket sized items for me just waiting to be borrowed without permission." Jack mumbled to his mini-mes.

"Just be careful, don't get caught like the time in Singapore. They still don't let you roam without a guard there." Jack 2 said. Jack nodded.

"Aye, why does it always have to be the same guard, he seems to have an unhealthy infatuation with me, not to mention my fine derriere, savvy?" Jack muttered unhappily.

"At least he has good taste." Jack 1 said, while Jack bit his fingernail nervously. "Just don't ever end up in jail with him."

"And this is the white castle." Hatter announced as he suddenly stopped his step, causing Jack who hadn't been listening to walk into him and create a multi-pirate pileup. This lasted for several minutes and needed the help of some castle card guards. Finally everyone was separated and back on their feet. Jack was the first to brush himself off and pretend that nothing had happened.

Gibbs got up a second later and continued to have dizziness. Pintel and Ragetti somehow had ended up switching shoes, which neither had noticed, except Pintel felt he had too much room in his weather torn shoes, and Ragetti felt as if he was being strangled. Yet neither thought anything of it. Jack the monkey was screeching indignantly at Jack 2, who had landed on him. Jack 2 blew a raspberry at the monkey and ran to the safety of Jack's shoulder, where Jack 1 was already sitting.

Marty had the misfortune to fall next to Hatter, and he rushed and fought with tooth and claw to be as far away from him as possible. In Marty's struggle, he knocked Cotton back down and Cotton attempted to curse at the youngster, but his tongue had been taken years ago, yet Cotton's parrot knew exactly what he meant to say, and said it for him. Hatter heard this and gasped from his position on the ground and looked desperately for Marty to preserve his innocence.

"MARTY!" Hatter called desperately in slow motion. Marty heard this and ran faster. Jack was still standing in stillness and had one eye was opened barely and the other was extra wide open. Most likely due to the craziness that was his crew. Alice had managed to restrain Hatter from going after Marty. Will had taken advantage of the commotion to trip Elizabeth. Elizabeth in turn screeched at him and kicked him. The two got into what could barely be called a catfight. Finally, Jack had had enough.

"SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU. CAN'T ANY OF YOU DO A SINGLE THING WITHOUT CAUSING MAYHEM OF ALL KINDS. NEXT PERSON TO DO THAT WILL BE HANGED BY YOURS TRULY, SAVVY?" Jack yelled. Jacks 1 and 2 winced due to the close proximity to Jack, everyone else stopped all shenanigans and stood up like the normal people they could only pretend to be.

"I believe I am the only one who has the authority to hang someone in this land." A soft voice said. Jack twitched. He would bloody well hang someone if he bloody wanted to bloody hang someone. Savvy? He turned to see a shining figure of white. So shining that Jack really couldn't see anything. Alice and Hatter seemed to be used to it, but Jack's crew definitely wasn't.

"Ahhhh my eyes!"

"The aliens arrived."

"THE DARKEST HOUR HAS COME!" This last dramatic yell had come from Gibbs. Everyone stopped to stare at Gibbs, who then shrugged.

"I assure you, I am no alien." The white queen Mirana said, slightly confused.

"Well your royal Hiney, I am Captain Jack Sparrow, come with dire warning of the Red Queen." Jack said smoothly, before any more chaos could be unleashed. Mirana nodded gracefully and motioned the entire group to follow her while turning and smiling in a slightly benign smile that looked more like an awkward grimace. Jack smiled at his own skill at speech and followed with his typical swagger, he was in, the mother lode was sure to be nearby. Hatter and Alice immediately followed. The rest of the crew, with a gleam in their eye followed.

"So, Mrs. Hiney, Nice place you got here." Jack said. Hatter laughed and snorted to his hearts content and Jack smiled winningly. Gibbs rolled his eyes. Will and Elizabeth continued to insult each other under their breath. Marty stayed his distance from Hatter, Pintel and Ragetti we're nowhere to be seen, neither were Cotton's parrot or Jack the monkey. Cotton was being his typical quiet self. Alice was giving Jack a weird look.

"Yes, it is very nice, but you said you had dire news?" Mirana said, attempting to get to the point quickly, Jack really did not smell very appealing. Hatter decided to take over the conversation.

"Jack and his crew landed here not long ago and one of his crewmates," Hatter paused at Jack's thunderous expression, "Um, Ship Charity Case, had gone missing." Jack nodded his approval and Hatter continued. "Jack sent his first mate after him, that's Gibbs, over there, the one with chubby cheeks and sideburns," Hatter pointed at the surprised Gibbs, "After the Ship Charity Case, then we heard a yell and followed the noise to the source which was Gibbs unconscious."

"And then when we finally awoke him, he told us that he had been knocked out by two people with the descriptions of the Red Queen and Stayne. I'm assuming they also have the Ship Charity Case as he was the first to yell. Oh, and they are also missing a mystic by the name of Tia Dalma." Hatter finished. Mirana thought for a second.

"Dark skin, black dreadlocks, strange marking on her face?" Mirana asked. Jack nodded cheerfully.

"Yep, that's her, have you seen her?"

"No, never heard of her." Mirana said airily. "We'll comb the forests in the morning, she must have a hideaway nearby. Until then, enjoy your stay." Mirana nodded then left. Jack looked at her and followed when everyone's back was turned. Hatter and Alice headed toward the royal guest suite and all the smart members of the crew followed. Sadly, this equaled zero. No members of the crew were smart enough to follow the people who knew where they were going.

"So, what now." Gibbs sighed. Jack, Pintel, and Ragetti had disappeared, also the non-human members of the crew were nowhere to be seen. Marty was just happy to be away from Hatter, and Cotton was speechless without his parrot. But as they were pirates, their instincts won out and the three went their separate to pillage and plunder and enflame and ignite.

Meanwhile, Jack was on his mission to raid the Queen's room, this would take stealth and general awesomeness. Jacks 1 and 2 had been his scouts, one was sitting on Mirana herself, and the other was checking all hallways in front of Jack to make sure no pesky guards would interfere with the natural order of things. Jack sometimes cursed the day his mini-mes showed up, but sometimes, they were pretty useful.

"All clear, target found her room." Jack 2 shouted from Mirana's shoulders. Sometimes it was good to be a figment of someone's imagination, no one else could hear you. Jack 1 quickly ran from hallway to hallway, marking the way with some figment charcoal. Jack wasn't sure if anyone could see charcoal that his figments produced, but with his current luck, probably not. The way was clear and Jack called back his figment and made his jolly way back to Hatter, seeing as he was the only one who knew about this place.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Jack 1: The authoress is very sorry for the long wait, but things are going to be faster and she will not give up.**

**Jack 2: And she does not and will never own any part of POTC. **

**Jack: So just leave a review so I can get on to the liberating the shinys. Savvy?**


	11. More Chaos in Wonderland

**A/N Special thanks to Selijah for her review.**

**Pirates in Wonderland**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Barbossa groaned. After he had run off into the forest in fear of more than one Jack, he had been knocked out by a very tall man who then dragged him away to an abandoned shack. Hours later he had awoken by a beautiful voice that belonged with angels.

"Stayne, is he awake yet, I can't tell." The voice said. A deep voice replied.

"Yes, he's opening his eyes my queen." Barbossa opened his eyes and recoiled as his eyes burned from the hideousness. Stayne removed his face from the close vicinity of Barbossa's face quickly as the Red Queen quickly replaced it with her own.

"Who are you, and where did you come from? No lies or I'll feed you to my Jabberwocky." The angelic voice from earlier was back. Barbossa stared in awe at the beautiful creature that stood before him. Her face was as pale as snow, her lips red as apples, her head was slightly larger than the rest of her, but Barbossa had always been a firm believer in the bigger the better.

"You…you are truly an angel, sent by God to spread your beauty with the undeserving, such as my self." Barbossa whispered to her. Needless to say, The Red Queen was very surprised.

"Wot?" She said, with an eyebrow higher than the other. Stayne looked incredible interested with this development.

"Please, let me serve you, for that is all I wish to do with my life." Barbossa said. The Red Queen looked at Stayne for help. Stayne smiled.

"I saw we let him, we need more followers." Stayne whispered quietly to her. The Red Queen lifted her chin to the sky and announced in a haughty voice.

"I have decided that I will allow you to join me. You will be General?" Her voice trailed off as she looked to him for his name.

"Barbossa if it pleases you, your majesty." Barbossa said smoothly.

"General Barbossa. Stayne, give our new general the tour." The Red Queen said.

"Of course my queen." Stayne said with a kiss to her majesty's hand. The Red Queen gave him an adoring look and Barbossa groaned inwardly. _What does she see in him? I'll change her mind. _

"Come." Stayne said as he motioned to Barbossa, Barbossa followed, but not without a low flourish of his hat. The Red Queen almost giggled. Almost.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Your Majesty, we have had no success finding the enemy hideout." A playing card said as it bowed to the White Queen. The White Queen waved it away as she went to speak with Alice and Hatter.

"Alice, there you are, good everyone's here. We have had no success finding the Red Queen's hideout." The White Queen announced. Jack attempted to make a shocked and disappointed face, but this wasn't his forte of expertise. None of the pirates seemed to care very much, but Hatter and Alice looked disappointed.

"Oh well, I don't suppose you have anything in the royal treasury that could be of any use?" Jack asked in an attempt to get her to disclose the location of the treasury. Everyone turned and gave Jack a strange look. Jack shrugged.

"Worth a shot." Jack 2 whispered.

"Could have been a better shot though." Jack 1 said. Jack hushed them.

"Majesty! Majesty!" A chess knight ran quickly to Mirana. "We have received an envoy from The Red Queen, she wants to talk, on the night of the full moon, where Alice slayed the Jabberwocky."

"Tell the envoy we accept and will be there." Mirana said.

"Is that wise." Jack spoke up. "That is a mighty risk for an ambush Ms. Majesty." Everyone stared at Jack in shock. Jack rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I do have some battle experience, there's no need to look so surprised about it." Jack muttered.

"This will be the only way we can find her, then we can follow her back to her hideout." Mirana said. Jack shrugged.

"Best prepare reinforcements anyway." Jack said lazily, looking at his dirty fingernails. Mirana nodded.

"That is all for now. Alice, Hatter, would you join me in the war room please." Mirana asked. The two immediately followed her out.

"Oh, and you too Captain Jack Sparrow, after all, you did thing of ambush and reinforcements." Jack 1 mocked. Jack rolled his eyes.

"It's better this way me lads, do you want to know why?" Jack said. Jack 1 and 2 waited for an answer. "Because while Ms. Uppity and her forces are focused on possible war, that leaves the path of most fortune open to us, savvy?" Jack said. Jacks 1 and 2 nodded in anticipation and Jack smiled widely, showing most of his gold teeth.

"Now, to find the trail of figment charcoal. And I really do not want to know where it comes from. Savvy?" Jack said.

"Savvy." Jack 2 cheered. Jack 1 gave a thumbs up. Jack the original headed off to the first x mark.

"Admit it already. We're lost." Jack 2 groaned. Jack growled.

"I am never lost, I am directionally challenged. Or temporarily misplaced. Whichever is less of a mouthful." Jack said.

"Why don't you just stop and ask for directions?" Jack 2 asked.

"We don't need them, we know exactly where we're going." Jack 1 retorted. Jack 2 groaned and collapsed in a puddle of exhausted figment on Jack's shoulder.

"We've only been walking for ten minutes, how are you tired already?" Jack 1 asked. Jack, who was also looking a bit winded growled.

"No, I am the only one who has been walking around here. You two are just figments." Jack grumbled.

"Oh right, I almost forgot." Jack 2 said, as he got up to a seated position. Jack rolled his eyes.

"Look!" Jack 1 shouted as he pointed to a wall. They had somehow found it. Mirana's room. Jack creaked the door open and slowly crept in. The theme of the room seemed to be red, and there was a small painting of a tall young man with black hair. Jack quickly scanned the room and found what he was looking for. A dusty jewelry box. He opened it and grabbed everything he could fit in his boots.

"Hmm, it look's like no one has been here in ages." Jack 2 noticed. Jack just shrugged it off, all he cared about was the shinys. As soon as he had his boots full, he left as quietly as a shadow in the dark.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Iracebeth shook her head to herself. She had never met anyone who was charming as Barbossa, not even Stayne.

"Your Majesty must have hundreds of followers, willing to lay down their life for a chance to gaze upon your beautiful face." Barbossa said, with a glance at Stayne who gave him a thumbs up. Iracebeth giggled. It had been so long since she had been complimented like they meant it. Stayne always lacked depth.

"Majesty, an intruder has asked to be brought to you. She says she is Tia something." Stayne brought up.

"Bring her in." The Red Queen said as she introduced Barbossa to her pig stools. The doors opened and a very angry Tia Dalma stood in the doorway.

"Barbossa, do not get comfortable, we have a deal." Tia Dalma said. Barbossa sneered.

"I live to serve my queen, who I will love forever." Barbossa said. Tia Dalma looked at him in disbelief. The Red Queen looked very worried.

"You two know each other? How?" Iracebeth demanded, she didn't want to lose her new general.

"We came to this place on the same ship. But I will not be leaving." Barbossa said. Iracebeth looked relieved and she had a small smile in her face as she faced forward.

"You heard General Barbossa. Now either you leave, or you will be imprisoned." The Red Queen announced. Tia Dalma growled and left.

"Beware my beautiful, she will be back." Barbossa whispered into Iracebeth's ear.

"I am not worried, I am with you." She whispered back. Barbossa flashed Stayne a thumbs up and Stayne smiled. _My plan is working, soon, she will be over me, and I will be free. _Stayne thought to himself.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The White Queen stood at the site of the last great battle, along with Alice, Hatter, Jack, and a few soldiers. The rest of the pirates stood a field away along with a majority of the White Army. Jack stood talking to Hatter, while Alice stared at the giant white bones that sat desolate at the button of the castle ruins.

"So, tell me, what do you plan to do, once you find the camp?" Jack asked. Hatter smiled blankly.

"You know, I don't quite know." Hatter said. Jack clapped a hand to his shoulder.

"Probably best to figure it out mate, else wise, you might end up in trouble, savvy?" Jack said. Hatter nodded.

"Hey look." A random voice yelled, all eyes strained towards the horizon where the Queen of Hearts marched with a small group of warriors, and at her right hand was,

"Barbossa?" Jack strangled out. Jack 1 covered Jack 2's eyes in shock.


End file.
